GROSS!
by rugphan
Summary: My version of how Calvin and Hobbes Get Rid Of Slimy girlS Club came to be. Slight CalvinxSusie.


**Author's Note: Amiablehacker and I wanted to know what each other's viewpoints of Susie Derkins having a friend move away would be (and how Calvin would comfort her over it) over PM on this site. This is what I came up with, and I finally decided to post it up on here. (And yes, amiablehacker knows I'm doing this! :) ) See amiablehacker's viewpoint as well as her other Calvin and Hobbes and Arthur stories on her fanfiction page! Based off of the original Calvin and Hobbes story of how G.R.O.S.S.- Get Rid Of Slimy girlS came to be. I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS OR THE ORIGINAL G.R.O.S.S.! CALVIN AND HOBBES (AND THE ORIGINAL STORY, ALONG WITH THE ORIGINAL QUOTES) BELONG TO BILL WATTERSON! **

**WARNING: Slight spoiler to my future Danny,Tommy, and Friends story series! **

* * *

**_"H_**obbes!" I exclaimed as I ran toward the woods. "Hobbes! I just had the greatest idea in the history of history!"

Hobbes, who was reading a book titled, _Tigers: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Them_ wasn't paying any attention to what I was saying. "Hmm."

"Hobbes?"

"Hmm."

"Can you hear me?"

"Hmm."

"I have a great idea!"

"Hmm."

I paused, waiting for him to ask me what my awesome idea was. But, Hobbes didn't say a word. I was starting to get annoyed.

"Hobbes?"

"Hmm."

"_Hobbes_?"

"Hmm."

Now, I was really annoyed. But that didn't last long. I smirked as a brilliant thought came into my head.

"Hey Hobbes, did you know that I think chickens are the most supreme animals in the universe?"

Hobbes glanced up at me in puzzlement. "You do? I thought you said tigers were the best animals in the universe!" He looked a little hurt.

"Oh, so _that_ got your attention!" I said, sarcastically.

"Oh, no. I just pretended not to hear you because I enjoy messing with your head." He grinned sheepishly at me.

I rolled my eyes. Having a tiger for a best friend can be really hectic sometimes. "I was only kidding old buddy." I reassured him. Then I smiled, remembering what I came to talk to him for. "So, do you want to hear my great idea?"

Hobbes set his book down. "If it's as great as your idea about climbing the biggest tree in the woods, then you can count me out." he said, folding his arms and staring at me suspiciously.

"Hey!" I exclaimed in defense. "I needed a bigger foothold in order to climb up the tree! That beehive was totally in the way! It's not _my_ fault bees get peeved so easily!"

"That's _because_ they think we tried to steal their honey!" Hobbes retorted. "I'm _still _finding stingers in my fir, and it's been two whole weeks since it happened!" He sighed. "Anyway, you were saying?"

"Well," I continued, "it's nothing involving bees, I can promise you that."

"Good. I feel better now."

"Hobbes, how do you feel about starting a club?"

"A club?"

"Yeah!"

"What kind of a club?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. That's what I'm trying to figure out. I figured two heads are better than one in this case."

"I'm glad to hear that." Hobbes nodded in satisfaction and stood up. "Alright, Calvin. I'm willing to join your club."

"Cool!" I grinned. "What should we name it?"

Hobbes put his right thumb and index finger under his chin in puzzlement. About a minute later, a light bulb lit up in his head. "I've got it!"

"Yeah?" I asked, excitedly. "What is it?"

"The Hobbes Fan Club!"

My eager expression turned into an annoyed one. "The _Hobbes Fan Club_?!" I exclaimed. "Are you _kidding_ me?"

"Well, I don't see _you_ coming up with any bright ideas!"

"Oh, yeah? Just watch!" I paused in thought.

Ten minutes passed before Hobbes finally spoke. "I'm waiting."

"Hang on. Give me another minute."

"Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock."

"_Hobbes_!" I exclaimed, irritated.

"What?"

"I can't concentrate on thinking of an idea when you do that!"

"Well," Hobbes retorted, "apparently you can't think of any ideas when it's quiet either." He sighed, and glanced over to his right. Peering through the woods he could see my annoying next-door neighbor, Susie Derkins. "Why don't we ask Susie for some help?"

"You want to ask _Susie _for help?" I asked, mortified. Don't get me wrong. After saving those tigers at the zoo, Susie and I had gotten along on better terms, considering the fact that she can see Hobbes now occasionally. But our terms haven't improved very much. "Get real, Hobbes."

"Why can't she help us out in naming our club?" Hobbes asked.

"_Hello_? Because she's a _girl_?!"

"So?"

"So, you never see six-year-old boys and girls hanging out together in a club. It's just weird."

"Who said anything about her joining?"

"Hobbes, it's a fact of life! Once a girl finds out about something, they try to butt in and end up ruining everything!"

Hobbes smirked. "You mean, like your mom?"

"Exactly!" I exclaimed.

"Then, why don't you name the club something specific?" Hobbes suggested.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, why don't you name the club something that's anti-girl? That way, if Susie _does_ end up finding out about it, she can't join."

"Hobbes!" I said, ecstatically. "You're a genius!"

Hobbes grinned, closed his eyes, and tilted his chin up proudly. "I'm glad you see it my way, Calvin."

I rolled my eyes, smiling with him. "Now, back to step one. What should we name the club?"

We both paused in thought again.

* * *

**_ I_**t was official. After I nailed the sign next to the big tree by our house, I turned to Hobbes. "So, what do you think?" I asked.

Hobbes skimmed the sign that said, in big bold letters:

**G.R.O.S.S.**

**(G**et** R**id** O**f** S**limy Girl**S)**

**Club**

**NO GIRLS ALLOWED!**

"I just realized something." Hobbes stated. "The word girls doesn't begin with an 'S'."

"You're right." I nodded. "But, the ending of it does."

"Ah."

Sometimes, Hobbes can't help but admire my genius. "Now, all we need is a good place to have our club."

"Okay. How about your room?"

I shook my head. "Nah. Too risky. We can't have anybody overhearing our plans."

"How about the woods?"

"No. Too many animals to see and distractions to take place."

"Then, where are we going to find a good meeting place?"

That was a good question. We didn't have a lot of spots left to claim ours. Actually, we really didn't have any options at all. I glanced around. Where could the G.R.O.S.S. Club meet? And if we didn't find a place, how would we plan for battle strategies? I could just picture Susie and all of her friends right now…

* * *

**_ "W_**_e've got you surrounded Calvin!" Susie exclaimed. "Come out with your hands up, and maybe we'll go easy on you and your tiger friend!"_

_ It was the scariest thing I had ever seen in my life. Hobbes and I had been in hiding. We were planning our next defense/attack strategy on the girls. Little did I know, Susie's best friend Jessica overheard us talking under a cardboard box next to a run down McChicken restaurant, and pretty soon girls were swarming us, equipment at the ready. I gulped, glancing at Hobbes. He nodded at me. There was only one thing to do in a dire situation like this. _

_ "NEVER!" I yelled running down the dark alleyway. Hobbes followed close behind. _

_ It turns out running into the long, dark alleyway was a _huge_ mistake. Not only was there a brick wall straight ahead, but there also wasn't any left or right turns we could possibly take to escape._

_ "We're trapped!" Hobbes whispered, anxiously pawing at the wall. "What are we going to do?"_

_ That was a good question. What were we going to do? The swarm of girls were going to catch up to us any minute, and we had nowhere to run. And Hobbes scratching at the brick wall wasn't doing us any good. Wait a minute…_

_ "Hobbes! Let me get on your back!"_

_ "_Excuse _me?"_

_ "We're going to climb the wall!"_

_ "_What!_"_

_ "You heard me!"_

_ "Are you crazy?" Hobbes threw his hands up in exasperation. "We'll get ourselves killed!"_

_ "It's better than the alternative."_

_ "There's no way you're going to make me climb that wall, Calvin! Absolutely _no way_!"_

_ "THERE HE IS!"_

_ Hobbes and I froze, and slowly turned around. Sure enough, Susie, Jessica, and the rest of the swarm of girls were standing there, grinning menacingly, water balloons in hand._

_ "Got any better ideas?" I asked Hobbes, the fear rising in my voice._

_ Hobbes only paused for a second before glancing up at the brick wall and saying, "I just suddenly noticed! What a wonderful day for a climb!"_

_ I would've rolled my eyes had I not been scared out of my wits. Hobbes hoisted me onto his back, and using his retractable claws, started climbing the steep, brick wall._

_ I didn't want to glance back down, but I did. The girls were running toward the wall, shaking their fists and yelling in envy at the fact that we had outsmarted them. Susie, who was in the very front of the group, looked the angriest of them all. If we had been down there a second longer…_

_ I sighed in relief. "That was a close one old buddy!"_

_ "I'll say!" Hobbes groaned. "Jeez, it's hard enough to climb this wall _without _you on top of me!"_

_ "Just keep climbing you big sissy."_

_ Hobbes kept climbing despite my obvious retort. Once we got to the top, I jumped off of Hobbes's back, and cheered! "We made it, Hobbes! We survived!"_

_ "Whoopee!" _

_ The two of us cheered some more, before we heard a fake coughing sound from behind us. Hobbes and I tensed up again, and slowly turned around once more. Sure enough, Susie was grinning slyly at me, along with Jessica, and the rest of the other girls, all still clutching their filled up water balloons._

_ "You should've found a better place to hold secret meeting places for the G.R.O.S.S. Club, Calvin." Susie sneered. "That way, we wouldn't have known what Plan A was and that Plan B was if Plan A backfired, you would escape somewhere really obvious!"_

_ "Aim and fire at the ready girls!" Jessica exclaimed._

_ The girls stood firmly…_

_ "NO!" I yelled. "PLEASE DON'T!"_

_ …aimed…_

_ "Come on!" Hobbes came to my defense. "He said _please_! And that's really rare for him!"_

_ "Hey!"_

_ …and…_

_ "FIRE!" Jessica screamed._

_ The next thing we knew, we were being pelted with water balloons. The worst part of it all was that once the old balloons were thrown, new ones appeared in the girls hands. It was _really_ terrifying. The girls were cheering, Jessica was screaming, and Susie was laughing hysterically like a mad scientist about to bring a snowman to life._

_ "NO! PLEASE! PLEASE! I CAN'T TAKE THIS AGONY ANY LONGER!"_

* * *

**_ "C_**alvin? Calvin? Are you okay?"

I wasn't aware that Hobbes was speaking to me until he waved his paw in front of my face. "Huh? What?" I came out of my trance. "Oh… Oh, yeah, Hobbes. I'm fine."

"Okay…" Hobbes stared at me suspiciously before saying, "I was just telling you before you zoned out that I thought of a great place to have our club."

"Really?" I was suddenly excited again. "Where?"

He pointed straight ahead. "How about in the garage?"

* * *

**_W_**hen we got to the garage, I was grinning from ear to ear. This place was perfect! There was a huge amount of space we could use to make posters and signs for our club and a garage door to close when we wanted some privacy while planning our strategies. There was even a desk where Dad builds and fixes things that we could use to lay out blueprints and lists! Not to mention, we had a huge amount of space in the garage once we had the car moved out of the way.

"Hobbes!" I exclaimed. "You're a _true_ genius!"

Hobbes smiled proudly and was about to comment on something when we heard someone come up behind us.

"I'm sorry, but _why_ exactly is your stuffed tiger a genius again?"

I turned around to see Susie Derkins standing a mere two feet away from us. I screamed in a mixture of shock at the fact that she was in our meeting place, and in annoyance. "Geez, Susie!" I yelled, my heart still pounding from the shock. "At least _warn_ us that you're here _before_ you sneak up on us like that!"

Susie giggled slightly. "For your _information_ Calvin, I _didn't_ sneak up on you. I just walked in here. I went to your front door to ask your mom where you were, and she said that she thought she saw you go into the garage. So, I came here, and sure enough, you're here!"

Hobbes frowned and crossed his arms in annoyance. "I _really_ don't like being ignored." he pouted.

"She can't _see_ you, you fleabag!" I whispered sternly.

"Don't call me a fleabag, you potty mouth!"

"I am _not_ a potty mouth!"

"Potty mouth! Potty mouth! Calvin is a potty mouth!"

"Why, I'll show you, you piece of scum!"

"Calvin?"

I turned back around to see Susie staring at me. Sure, she can see Hobbes _sometimes_ but when she can't, she still thinks it's weird that I talk to him. Go figure.

"Go away, Susie. Can't you see that Hobbes and I are working on our new club?"

Susie stopped staring at me just then, and perked up a little bit. "You're starting a club? That's great! Can I join too?"

I rolled my eyes. Why do girls have to always be so complicated? I picked up the backup club sign we had just made, and shoved it in her face. She looked it over for a minute and read the sign out loud. "G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy GirlS Club) No Girls Allowed!" She paused before adding. "Girls doesn't begin with an 'S'."

"I know." I replied impatiently. "The ending does."

Suddenly, Susie looked extremely angry. Girls and their mood swings, I tell you! "You created a club _just_ so you could exclude girls?!"

"Um…_yeah_?"

Susie slammed the sign to the ground.

"Hey!" I exclaimed. "Be careful with that, Derkins! Hobbes and I worked really hard on that sign!"

"Who _cares_ about your stupid sign!" Susie yelled. "You are such a _jerk_, Calvin! I can't _believe_ you!"

"What? For making a club of our very own?"

"No, for not allowing girls into your club just because they're the opposite gender!"

"Yeah, well, we don't want any slimy girls in our club!"

"Girls _aren't_ slimy!"

"Says you!"

"Yes! Says, _me_!"

Hobbes came up beside me to try and distract us from our argument. "Anybody want some cheese?" I glanced down in puzzlement to see that he had a small plate with little, fancy cheeses on it. "Where did you get those?" I asked.

Hobbes, who was munching happily on a piece of cheddar, paused mid chew and glanced down at the plate. "You know what? I don't exactly remember. I found them out by where we made our sign. I think your mom brought them out for us."

"That plate was on the floor next to your feet the whole time, Calvin!" Susie yelled. "Now please, _listen to me_!"

"Well, maybe I don't want to listen to you!"

"Fine! I'm leaving!"

"Great! Smell ya later you slimy girl!"

Susie growled. I growled back.

And with that, she left.

* * *

**_ "Y_**ou know," Hobbes commented a few minutes later, "you really weren't all that nice to Susie."

I glanced up from my just freshly made blueprints of chucking water balloons at Susie's big, fat head, and glared at the wall where all of the tools were lined up. "Hobbes, you and I both know that girls get angry for no reason. She's not allowed in this club, and she should've _known_ that she's not allowed in this club. Now, let's get our clubhouse ready so we can put this brand new plan into action."

I caught Hobbes rolling his eyes. "Whatever, Calvin." I would've commented on Hobbes's eye rolling, but I didn't this time. I was already on the edge of my nerves, and I really didn't want to push the argument any further.

I took a deep breath before saying, "Come on. Let's push the car out of the garage."

I literally heard the warning bells go off in Hobbes's head. "Um, shouldn't we just have your mom move the car?"

"No way! If we ask, Mom will probably say no, and we won't have the garage as our clubhouse!" I waved my arm toward the car impatiently. "Now, come on! Let move the car!"

"And how _exactly_ are we going to do that?"

"Easy. We'll push it!"

"_What_?!"

"You heard me!"

"Are you crazy? We'll get ourselves killed!"

"It's better than the alternative."

"There is no way you're going to make me push that car, Calvin! Absolutely, _no way_!"

Funny. Why did this argument sound so familiar? I shrugged it off and asked, "Got any better ideas?"

Hobbes paused for a moment before answering. "Fine." He put his paws on the front of the car next to mine. "But, I still think this is a bad idea."

"Just push the car you big sissy!"

We both started pushing with all our might. But, the car wouldn't budge.

"Let's try pushing it harder this time." I suggested.

We pushed the car harder. It moved slightly this time.

"One more hard push should do it!" I exclaimed.

We gave the car one more huge push, and the car moved out of the garage on its own.

I threw my hands up in the air in excitement. "We did it, Hobbes old buddy!" I cheered. "We got the car out of the garage all on our own!"

But, Hobbes wasn't ready to start cheering just yet. "Uh…Calvin…"

"Yeah?"

Hobbes's eyes widened in fear. "The car isn't stopping!"

"What?" I glanced back toward the driveway. Sure enough, the car had rolled out of the garage, and it was still going!

"Oh, no!" I gasped. "STOP, CAR! STOP!"

Hobbes and I dashed down the driveway, but the car was picking up speed.

"YOUR DRIVEWAY MUST BE SLANTED DOWNHILL!" Hobbes shouted.

The car kept rolling, and now it was close to the road. I had to warn anybody who was walking on the sidewalk or driving. "LOOK OUT! WILD CAR!" I screamed.

By the time we reached the road, we knew it was hopeless to try and stop it. "I can't watch!" I exclaimed, covering my eyes.

"Me either!" Hobbes did the same.

We heard a loud 'CRUNCH!' and then it was over.

A minute or two passed before I said anything. "Is it safe to look?" I asked, trying to keep the nervous edge out of my voice, but failing.

A minute passed before I heard Hobbes breath a sigh of relief. "It's okay."

"You mean, the car's alright?" I asked, knowing fully well I could peek, but was still afraid to. "Nobody got hurt?"

"Nobody got hurt. There wasn't anybody on the road or the sidewalk."

"Thank goodness!" I uncovered my eyes, and what I saw made my stomach lurch. The car was standing, front end up, in the middle of a ravine across the street. "OH, MAN!" I cried, dashing across the street. "OH, MAN! OH, MAN! OH, MAN! OH, _MAN_!"

When we got to the car, I just stood there with a dejected look on my face. "_Oh, man_…" I whispered.

Hobbes walked over to the ravine, bent over, and squinted to examine the back of the car. I wanted to ask how bad it was, but I was too shocked and scared to speak. Finally, after what seemed like hours, Hobbes stood up. "Well, it doesn't seem _too_ bad…" he murmured. "I mean," he added, making a frame shape with his fingers and looking at the back of the car, "when you look at it from _this_ angle, it doesn't seem like it's _as_ crushed in the back."

"Hooray," I groaned, my voice quivering, "we're dead."

* * *

**_ "C_**alvin!"

I turned around, Susie's voice bringing me out of my trance.

"Calvin!" Susie repeated, running across the street to meet me. "I heard a huge crash, then I looked out the window and saw your parents car in the ravine! Are you alright? You weren't actually _driving_ it, were you?"

I don't know why, but I suddenly felt angry just then. "_No_, I wasn't _driving_ it, Susie!" I exclaimed. "Hobbes and I were pushing it out of the garage, and it wouldn't stop moving!"

"Was anybody hurt?"

"_No_. Nobody was hurt, Susie. Now, go away."

Susie glared at me. "Calvin, I was only trying to help you, and this is the thanks I get for being concerned about your well being?"

I groaned in annoyance. "For Pete's sake, Derkins! Haven't you been getting any hint of the message I've been trying to tell you _all day_? You're not being a help at all! All _you're_ doing is being a nuisance!" I yelled. "So, just go away, and leave us alone!" I turned away from her and crossed my arms.

There was a moment of silence before Susie screamed, "FINE!" and ran off.

When I calmed down a little, I glanced back at Hobbes. He was staring at me in disappointment.

"What?" I asked.

"This time, you _really_ weren't nice to Susie, Calvin."

"So?"

"_So_, you just ignored Susie all day, refused to play with her, refused her help, and now you just made her run home crying. Way to go."

My stomach churned. I had this feeling before once, when I called Susie a booger brain and she went home crying. It was a gut wrenching feeling like the kind you got from eating too much ice cream, only it was ten times worse. I felt awful. "I guess I should go and apologize to Susie, huh?"

Hobbes nodded and looked back at the wrecked car. "You'd better, before we have to run off to Africa."

I nodded. "How about Asia? That's where all of the tigers live."

"Okay then, Asia." Hobbes grinned a little. "Now, go and apologize to Susie. I'm going to go and pack the important stuff we need, like sandwiches and a yo-yo."

And with that, Hobbes and I split up.

* * *

**_A_**fter I talked to Susie's mom about why I was there, I went upstairs and knocked on Susie's bedroom door. "Susie? Are you okay?"

"Go away, Calvin! I don't want to talk to you!" She was still crying. My stomach knotted up again. Before I could change my mind, I opened the door and walked in. Susie was on her bed, sobbing.

"Hey." It was the only thing I could think of to say at the moment.

Susie uncovered her tear-streaked face, and glared at me. "_Hey_? You completely ignored me and hurt my feelings Calvin, and all you can say is _hey_?"

"Well, what else am I supposed to say?" I said, defensively. "I'm making an effort at apologizing here!"

"It's not just that, Calvin!"

"What do you mean?"

"You're mean to me all of the time!"

"What? No I'm not!"

"Yes you are! Did you notice I looked a _little_ bit upset today when I came over to your house earlier?"

I froze. Now that I thought about it, Susie did look a bit off today. Her eyes were redder and her cheeks were red and puffy like she'd been crying before. But, I didn't want Susie to know I didn't notice that she was upset until just now. "Uh…"

"MY BEST FRIEND MOVED AWAY TODAY, CALVIN! I NEEDED SOMEONE TO TALK TO, AND YOU WEREN'T EVEN WILLING TO HEAR WHAT I HAD TO SAY!" Susie paused before she started crying again.

Meanwhile, all of these thoughts were rushing through my head. Susie's friend moved away? And all this time I was way too busy to give her the time of day. I felt like a complete heel. How was I supposed to comfort her now? Was I supposed to hug her or something? Gross! I didn't want to hug her! What was I supposed to do? If only Hobbes were there. He would've known what to do.

That's when I started asking myself, 'What would Hobbes do in this situation?' It took me a moment, but soon, the answer started to piece itself together. He would make up for what he did wrong. I didn't listen to what Susie had tried so hard to tell me earlier, so…

I walked over to her bed and plopped down next to Susie. She looked at me in surprise. I smiled at her and nodded. "Go ahead, Susie. Talk to me. I'm listening."

Susie grinned at me.

* * *

**_I _**learned a lot about Susie that day. A lot more than I would've cared to know. But the fact is -and this was the weird part- I was enjoying listening to Susie and what she had to say. It was nice to have a conversation with a person who wasn't a tiger for once. In fact –and I _really_ hate to admit it- I had a fun time. We actually ended up talking for over an hour. I would've stayed longer, if my mom hadn't walked into the room holding Hobbes in her hands, Susie's mom by her side.

I gulped, noting the stern look on my Mom's face. I expected her to yell at me or punish me or take me home so she and my Dad could both yell at me _and_ punish me. But, what she did was so surprising, I nearly had a heart attack from the shock. Mom bent down, put Hobbes into my arms, and hugged me. That was unexpected.

"You're... You're not mad?" I asked, hesitantly.

My mom shrugged. "Only a little."

"I guess this means you're going to punish me, huh?"

To my surprise, Mom shook her head. "I was just talking to Susie's mom on the phone before I came here. Susie saw the whole thing happen from her window. She told her mom, and her mom told me everything."

I glanced back at Susie. After all, she had told me she had only _heard _the car crash into the ravine. I caught her blushing slightly. "It's no big deal." she mumbled. "I just didn't want you to get into trouble."

I don't know what impulsed me to do it just then, nor did I care that both our moms were watching. I ran up to Susie's bed, jumped on it slightly, and hugged her. I could feel her tense up. I was about to let her go when she relaxed a little and hugged me back. I could practically _feel_ our moms happy stares at us (That, and Hobbes yelling, "Whoa, ho, ho! Babe central!"). That's when I let go.

Pretending that nothing unusual just happened, I jumped off the bed, and walked over to my mom. She told me that next time, if I wanted to use the garage as our clubhouse, to ask her. She would be more than happy to move the car for us. Mom didn't even raise her voice.

"Told you." Hobbes whispered, a slight smile playing on his lips.

I nudged him in the arm playfully.

Shortly after that, Mom said we had to get home. Apparently it was starting to get dark. I hadn't even noticed. I guess talking to Susie for an hour will do that to you (Did I just say that?). Susie and I said goodbye one last time, exchanged another hug, and left.

Hobbes grinned at me on the way downstairs. "Well, that apology sure went well." he commented.

I don't know why I did it, but the next thing I knew, I was glancing back at Susie. She was smiling back at me. She did seem a whole lot happier than a couple of hours ago.

"Yeah." I commented, still grinning at Susie. "Yeah, it did."

And from the look on Susie's face, it seemed like she couldn't have agreed more.


End file.
